The Story of No Chance

No Chance and His Journey to Climbing Greatness (Part 1)

By the Boardlord

This is the story of ‘No Chance’.

One day, No Chance was hanging out by the local cliff, wondering why he felt so pumped. He’d just gone up a route his strong mates had just flashed as their warm up, yet he couldn’t even get past the 3rd bolt.

No Chance turned to Big Chance and asked him why this was so. Big Chance said “you’re not strong enough for this sucker!” which kind of left No Chance wondering what this whole gig was about climbing. Was he getting pumped because he was simply weak, or was he getting pumped because he had no ‘endurance’. He decided to ask Even Better Chance.

Even Better Chance told him that there was a little thing called a boulder problem at the 3rd bolt.

“What’s a ‘boulder problem?’ replied No Chance.

Even Better Chance said that it was a sequence of moves that were extremely powerful in relation to the rest of the route.

“How can I do this ‘boulder problem’? replied No Chance.

“You have to start training power little grasshopper”, stated Even Better Chance, who had already run three laps of the said route and wasn’t remotely pumped in the slightest.

“But I thought routes were all about something called ‘enduro-pumping’, said No Chance.

“That’s where you’re wrong”, interjected Best Chance. Best Chance was there with his wife, Had A Chance, and his daughter, In With A Chance. Best Chance was famous for his uncanny ability to walk up grade 29’s on a daily basis, but what No Chance didn’t realise, was that he was also a V10 boulderer.

“Power is your lifeline to so-called endurance”, continued Best Chance. “Without power, you are nothing.”

“I told you that you were crap”, F*ck All Chance blurted in. (F*ck All Chance was a mate of No Chance, and was still struggling with top roping the local warm up route, despite getting on it every weekend for the last 7 years). Not surprisingly, he’d never bouldered a day in his life.

“Not as crap as I am” said Fat Chance, who was standing nearby looking absolutely wasted (he’d just completed the walk-in).

“So how come people can climb 30 metre overhanging routes and not get pumped?” asked No Chance. “That’s not power, that’s endurance!”

“Aaah!” replied Half A Chance (who was trying to get In With A Chance to go out with him, although he didn’t have much of a chance of that). “It boils down to one thing really. Finger strength. That’s why you often see fat looking bastards waltz up hard routes. It’s what you can hold onto that counts.” He glanced over at In With A Chance, but she was smiling at Fat Chance, who had just tripped over a rope and sprained his ankle.

“He’s right” said Best Chance, “and the best way of obtaining that strength is to go bouldering”.

“So if I turn into a boulderer, I’ll get better at routes?” asked No Chance.

“Yep” said Even Better Chance, who by now had completed his 18th lap of a 25 and was thinking of calling it a day.

“That’s it then – I’m going bouldering!” exclaimed No Chance, who secretly hoped that any new found strength would lead to his nickname being changed to ‘Some Chance’ plus a new found relationship with Pretty Good Chance, who was Even Better Chance’s sister.



No Chance and His Journey to Climbing Greatness (Part 2)

And so it was that No Chance bought himself a bouldering mat and started bouldering. He became so enamoured with it that he talked Pretty Good Chance into joining him on some forays into Stapylton. They laughed, they cried, they fell and they shouted 'C'mon baby' a lot. They forgot about the hassles of roped climbing and forged a partnership based on love, power and short black coffees. By day, they lived in their Moon Cypher pants. By night, they lived in each others pants.

Their relationship got stronger and stronger, as did their body tension and pinch grip strength. Relentless days spent hanging out in Hollow Mountain Cave yielded to relentless nights spent hanging in each others arms, content in the knowledge that tomorrow would bring more joy in new-found boulder problems and two finger undercling techniques. Gradually, No Chance morphed into Some Chance, and later - Great Chance. Pretty Good Chance, now his girlfriend, remained Pretty yet became Pretty Amazing Chance, particularly when she pulled off an ascent of Dead Can't Dance.

Old friends such as Even Better Chance turned up to see what this bouldering lark was all about, but after pumping his way across numerous 40 metre jugfests for several months, he couldn't compete, and so took off with Fat Chance to the nearest pub. There they marvelled at how No Chance had so quickly become Some Chance, and now had the best chance at marrying Pretty Amazing Chance who was, understandably, pretty amazing.

They drank and drank and drank, until Fat Chance pointed out that they'd have bugger all chance of climbing anything the next day - not that he was going to anyway. Even Better Chance (who by now was known as Lost Chance) called up In With A Chance and attempted to pour out his entire sad story to her, hoping she'd love him for what he was (a route climber that could no longer boulder) - but she was off with Great Chance learning the joys of advanced sloper technique (in his tent).

So Great Chance had two Chances, while Lost Chance, by now, had Absolutely F*ck All Chance.

"That's what you get for endurance training" he thought.



TO BE CONTINUED…