The Story of No Chance

No Chance and His Journey to Climbing Greatness (Part 1)

By the Boardlord

This is the story of ‘No Chance’.

One day, No Chance was hanging out by the local cliff, wondering why he felt so pumped. He’d just gone up a route his strong mates had just flashed as their warm up, yet he couldn’t even get past the 3rd bolt.

No Chance turned to Big Chance and asked him why this was so. Big Chance said “you’re not strong enough for this sucker!” which kind of left No Chance wondering what this whole gig was about climbing. Was he getting pumped because he was simply weak, or was he getting pumped because he had no ‘endurance’. He decided to ask Even Better Chance.

Even Better Chance told him that there was a little thing called a boulder problem at the 3rd bolt.

“What’s a ‘boulder problem?’ replied No Chance.

Even Better Chance said that it was a sequence of moves that were extremely powerful in relation to the rest of the route.

“How can I do this ‘boulder problem’? replied No Chance.

“You have to start training power little grasshopper”, stated Even Better Chance, who had already run three laps of the said route and wasn’t remotely pumped in the slightest.

“But I thought routes were all about something called ‘enduro-pumping’, said No Chance.

“That’s where you’re wrong”, interjected Best Chance. Best Chance was there with his wife, Had A Chance, and his daughter, In With A Chance. Best Chance was famous for his uncanny ability to walk up grade 29’s on a daily basis, but what No Chance didn’t realise, was that he was also a V10 boulderer.

“Power is your lifeline to so-called endurance”, continued Best Chance. “Without power, you are nothing.”

“I told you that you were crap”, F*ck All Chance blurted in. (F*ck All Chance was a mate of No Chance, and was still struggling with top roping the local warm up route, despite getting on it every weekend for the last 7 years). Not surprisingly, he’d never bouldered a day in his life.

“Not as crap as I am” said Fat Chance, who was standing nearby looking absolutely wasted (he’d just completed the walk-in).

“So how come people can climb 30 metre overhanging routes and not get pumped?” asked No Chance. “That’s not power, that’s endurance!”

“Aaah!” replied Half A Chance (who was trying to get In With A Chance to go out with him, although he didn’t have much of a chance of that). “It boils down to one thing really. Finger strength. That’s why you often see fat looking bastards waltz up hard routes. It’s what you can hold onto that counts.” He glanced over at In With A Chance, but she was smiling at Fat Chance, who had just tripped over a rope and sprained his ankle.

“He’s right” said Best Chance, “and the best way of obtaining that strength is to go bouldering”.

“So if I turn into a boulderer, I’ll get better at routes?” asked No Chance.

“Yep” said Even Better Chance, who by now had completed his 18th lap of a 25 and was thinking of calling it a day.

“That’s it then – I’m going bouldering!” exclaimed No Chance, who secretly hoped that any new found strength would lead to his nickname being changed to ‘Some Chance’ plus a new found relationship with Pretty Good Chance, who was Even Better Chance’s sister.



No Chance and His Journey to Climbing Greatness (Part 2)

And so it was that No Chance bought himself a bouldering mat and started bouldering. He became so enamoured with it that he talked Pretty Good Chance into joining him on some forays into Stapylton. They laughed, they cried, they fell and they shouted 'C'mon baby' a lot. They forgot about the hassles of roped climbing and forged a partnership based on love, power and short black coffees. By day, they lived in their Moon Cypher pants. By night, they lived in each others pants.

Their relationship got stronger and stronger, as did their body tension and pinch grip strength. Relentless days spent hanging out in Hollow Mountain Cave yielded to relentless nights spent hanging in each others arms, content in the knowledge that tomorrow would bring more joy in new-found boulder problems and two finger undercling techniques. Gradually, No Chance morphed into Some Chance, and later - Great Chance. Pretty Good Chance, now his girlfriend, remained Pretty yet became Pretty Amazing Chance, particularly when she pulled off an ascent of Dead Can't Dance.

Old friends such as Even Better Chance turned up to see what this bouldering lark was all about, but after pumping his way across numerous 40 metre jugfests for several months, he couldn't compete, and so took off with Fat Chance to the nearest pub. There they marvelled at how No Chance had so quickly become Some Chance, and now had the best chance at marrying Pretty Amazing Chance who was, understandably, pretty amazing.

They drank and drank and drank, until Fat Chance pointed out that they'd have bugger all chance of climbing anything the next day - not that he was going to anyway. Even Better Chance (who by now was known as Lost Chance) called up In With A Chance and attempted to pour out his entire sad story to her, hoping she'd love him for what he was (a route climber that could no longer boulder) - but she was off with Great Chance learning the joys of advanced sloper technique (in his tent).

So Great Chance had two Chances, while Lost Chance, by now, had Absolutely F*ck All Chance.

"That's what you get for endurance training" he thought.



TO BE CONTINUED…

A dream is finally a (half) reality.

Left: Gulich on Punks in 1985

I can recall many many years ago hearing about this little route called 'Punks In The Gym'. Hardest route at Arapiles (and one of the harder in Oz) supposedly. Was then the hardest route in the world in 1985 they say. Fell to the deft touch of a certain German superstar. No, not Brüno. Wolfgang Gullich. R.I.P Wolfy.

Anyway, back to my story. Everytime I would return to Arapiles (which on average is maybe once a year now) I would gaze up at 'Punks' and dream. 'One day I will feel worthy of attempting such a route, but not today' Yet that dream was realised last week, as I ventured off to Araps mid week, for a break from the shit getting me down in the city. So when I was meant to be frantically running around a warehouse barking orders, I was caressing the very holds God himself had used to dance up the wall, in the clean, crisp, soul reviving, country air.

Oh my what a route! Not in years has a climb or boulder problem captured my attention as much as this. This one route has given me the motivation to train hard, and a goal to really strive for. Something my climbing life has been lacking for quite a while. And considering I have come close to giving up climbing several times this year, this could not have come at a better time.

So, along with myself, Taswegian lad Doug McConnel and super strong Kiwi lass Mayan Gobat-Smith (both of whom are a bees dick from the send) are currently working the route. Word has it some sneaky NSW folk were trying it earlier, and I just got off the phone with fellow A-Team-er Grosey who was spraying about how he's gonna swoop in fresh from his Nowra trip to snag an ascent before me, along with South Australian Mick Wells and sweet cheeks himself Pat Turner.

Game on moles!

Bring on the Punks renaissance!

- TheBigAl

Someone Save Me!

Who wants to give me a new job? One somewhere in the country. One where I don't have to stress about timelines. One where I don't have to take phone calls from egotistical head chefs of certain high profile restaurants complaining that their baby vegetables are all not of uniform size and shape. Where the pace of life seems to slow down to a gentle walk, instead of a mad sprint, and is preferably near the Grampians.

Everyday I wake up, struggle to leave my bed, and slink into work out of sheer habit. The monotony of the job seems to slowly kill me, just a little, day after day. The Boss Man takes it easy while I frantically keep things together. How many times do I have to tell the people I manage how to perform a task before they will learn it? I havent worked that one out yet. Apparently everyday for a whole week is still not enough for someone to learn how to clean up a single coolroom. Dear God! There's still another 3 coolrooms to go!

Then theres the sickness. Sleeping for 36 hours out of 48 hours over a weekend surely can't be normal? 2 climbing sessions in 4 weeks? Not cool dude, not cool.

On the upside, I just just finished watching The Wire. Holy shit what an awesome TV series! Just started on True Blood on the recomendation of a few. Now I'm tired again and dinner is almost ready.

Rant over.



- TheBigAl

Reality hits home.

I’ve been home over a month now. And I have been having my ups and downs. Mundane “purpose of life” type stuff. On returning home, I have come across several questions:
- How was your trip?
- What are your plans now?
- What is it like being home?

How do you have small talk over such questions? “Trip was good. Don’t have plans. Being home is nice”. But really, there is so much mumbo jumbo going on in my head right now!

I had grand plans for when I would return. I would settle in for a week or so. Do some easy routes. Then I would activate crush mode, crushing everything in the Grampians and Arapiles. In addition to being turbo, I would be earning huge wads of cash through some unknown brilliant scheme- saving for my next massive road trip. I would be so happy! Climbing in perfect crisp conditions. Earning tonnes of money. Seeing my friends. Sleeping in my own bed.

Ah. But alas, this was not the case.

Job was nothing. I still have not discovered how to find a job flexible enough for me to climb when I want. Long story short- I got on the dole. Or “Newstart Allowance” would be its politically correct name. Very depressing moment in my life, queuing up in the line at Centrelink. But, yay! Money while looking for jobs, which I was going to do anyway. Not without attending half a dozen interviews and filling out a whole trees worth of forms first though.

Seems like I lucked out on the job hunting last week. One of my best friends from University quit her job, and her replacement broke his foot! Bad for him, good for me! Temporary, casual job doing Exercise Rehab! Amazing. Only a couple hundred hours more and I will become an Accredited Exercise Physiologist. Now doesn’t that sound fancy compared to a dole bludger! Hopefully it can lead into a more permanent position. The work is interesting (most of the time), super close to my house, and everyone is lovely! It’s nice to have money put in my bank account for the first time in 14 months. Stress relief.

As for climbing. That has not been so good. I feel a bit tired. And my motivation fluctuates immensely from day to day. Sometimes I am so psyched I could burst from every orifice of my body! I think about climbing all day and my hands get all sweaty and my tummy gets all tingly! I have moments where I scare myself as to how obsessive this hobby is for me, and I think I should get something else in my life for balance. I just can’t help how much I love it. But then, after last weekend I was done. The more I thought about climbing, the more I beat myself up over how I am not satisfied with my climbing at the moment. Not technical enough. Not strong enough. Not fit enough. Bad headspace. Haven’t climbed or bouldered anything in over a month. Fail.

But then my sensible self (and KP) says- “Don’t worry. It will come”. I have started work so haven’t got out much. And I have had pretty terrible weather conditions (6 out of 7 wet days) at the Gramps (KP says I have become a conditions snob). People in Melbourne work so I have less partner options. I have had a cold on and off since returning (which makes me think I might need a break). And, reality is, I am not on a climbing trip anymore and I need to suck it up. Change my expectations. Make the most of the time I have....and go to the Blue Mountains for two weeks! Psyched!

So I am off tomorrow for two weeks of crimping on razors (so I’ve heard, I’ve never been). Let’s see if I can get one route done! If not, I am pretty sure I will successfully have a good time drinking coffee and wine with my friend, Helen, who left me in Melbourne, what seems like a lifetime ago. Oh, and my imaginary friend flies back to Australia tomorrow. After successfully selling our Renault Kangoo (so sad!) he is on a four day epic journey home. Exciting stuff! Looking forward to two weeks of regaining confidence on rock, and more importantly, enjoying life!

I managed to unsuccessfully blog about Christmas in Poland, Fontainebleau, Switzerland and Round Two of Spain, but oh well. It was all AWESOME. How’s that for being succinct.

Quote of last weekend:
“Take that” KP while falling on Spankin’ the Monkey Bars at Kindergarden.

Dre.

My new life as a home renovator.

Roo at Stapylton.

Sunset from Centinal Cave.

KP in awe of the light on Centinal Cave.

Temper Tantrums

It must have been about this time last year that Joshy put Academia (31) to bed... The tick though, wasnt without It's dramas including a couple of falls from the final easy moves... Now I wasnt there there to witness the result of these gaylords, but I have it on good authority that it looked something like this...

Enjoy.

Coffee, Beer, Masterchef, Foosball, UFC, Sleep overs, and a little bit of bouldering

Ok, so this is a little late, but I've finally found the time and concentration ability to write a blog report. So, first thing first, some of you haven't heard from me for a while. Up until about 2 months ago, I was suffering from 50hr work weeks, very little sleep, and no climbing due to a chronic back injury that had me out of action since october last year. But things are now back on track and I've been quickly regaining some form, getting out on the boulders and having a good time.

A big weekend of action was had Queens birthday long weekend, where a whole crew crashed Arnies pad in Ararat for the the 3 day. Up to 10 people made themselves welcome to Simons hospitality, eating his food, drinking his coffee and wine, and respectfully throwing games of foosball to boost his already belated ego! It was also Joshs' birthday on the Saturday, so many drinks were had on the Friday night.

The Saturday found us in Andersons mucking about. Simon and the Raven both did Mexican Delight V9 quickly, and did Josh for the 3rd or 4th time. I still struggled. Philby put up a new problem he dubbed Hot Mama Vibes V6 which Raven and I flashed. It was hard enough for Simon to need a few attempts, while Joshy boy failed to haul himself up it, proclaiming once again that 'bouldering is shit'. Phil also smashed out Gasoline V8 later that day, while Josh and I (again, for the umpteenth time) fell off the top of Gripmaster V10.














Left: Pete 'The Raven' flashing Hot Mama Vibes V6.









Sunday was a late start of coffee and watching guys smash one another in the UFC. The highlight was Dan Henderson 'shutting up' Brit Michael Bisping in brutal style.




Later we headed to Hollow Mtn Cave where it was probably about 12:30pm before we started climbing. Josh and I tried American Pie V10 both with not much success. Joshy fell off the last moves of Ogre Thumb V9 and we both got fell off the end of The Devils Councilor V7. Not a good day for us.


















Right: Alister knee scumming to no avail on The Devils Coulcilor V7.








Monday a slightly smaller crew head out in search of new boulders around Halls Gap. Pointed in the direction of an area dubbed 'Valley Of The Gods' we found ourselves in a jumble of house sized boulders of top quality. Warming up on some of the sweet highball faces, I went in search of some steeper lines. The 2 awesome bulges I found, brushed and and chalked quite quickly became too hard, and the more experienced duo of Simon and The Raven were called in. Simon sent them both, first with Village Of The Damned V9 and then unleashing the Old Man Power on Valley Of The Wads V11. Very impressive FA's.








Left: Arnie on the FA of Valley Of The Wads V11









Then it was time to high tail it back to Melbourne, stopping in Halls Gap for hot dogs and milkshakes, a quick play on the swing set, chasing butterflys, and a sad farewell to our man Omar, who was on a plane the next day back to work in WA for the next few months.

So a great weekend, hanging out with mates, having a laugh, a bit of climbing and heaps of fun.





Oh, and Arnie and I were both in agreeance while watching Masterchef on the Sunday night that it was hardly worth watching since Fiona got knocked out. She's smart (she has to be as a teacher), is hot, and can obioulsy cook! I want me one!






- TheBigAl

Comp kids

The Vic state titles were held on the weekend at bayside rock. Alby & Dre flew the flag for the a-team with dre coming out on top in the womens open and the big al finishing a very respectable 5th in the mens. Top work kids.

I was helping out with the setting, testing & grading on Friday, in preperation for the comp. Check out the time lapse of the gym being re-created for the comp.

Bayside Boulder Bash Setting from James Kassay on Vimeo.