Near Death Experience.

I forgot about a story. It’s a sensitive topic for me. But it’s a story in which I would like to think could save lives! Or could at least get a few laughs.

From my experience I have realised all Europeans are terrified of the snakes, spiders, sharks and crocodiles in Australia. If a survey were conducted, I believe Tourism Australia would find this is a major misconception and factor for why people don’t visit- they just don’t want to die. They have this image in their head that spiders will crawl all over their bed. Crocodiles will roll them around their bath tub. Sharks are lurking around the beach shores ready to swallow them whole. Snakes are bursting out of toilets ready to bite them in the arse.

So, what about the warnings for Australians travelling to Europe?

I was camping in Spain, Rodellar at the massive carpark for vans/motorhomes. This area is great to sleep at, but can get very busy. One night, I needed to use the ladies room. There is a vast area to find privacy; you just have to be careful where you go. It’s not a forest. There are random walls designating pathways in all directions. It’s unlikely, but someone might walk past. Then there are prickly shrubs. I don’t know why, but 90% of shrubs in Europe have thorns. So, with a few factors to consider I went for a walk. I wore my dimming headtorch and marched into a random direction away from the carpark. I jumped a few walls and walked around a few trees and bushes. Then a few more. Then, as I started to head back to where I thought was the carpark, I realised I was kind of lost. I knew the general direction of the carpark but to get there, there was a ramp. I kept coming across a prickly vine covered wall. So as far as the best route- no idea. I don’t have the best sense of direction at the best of times, but all the wall jumping and shrubbery, and most of all, darkness, left me feeling pretty foolish. The wearing of thongs and shorts weren’t helping.

Being lost was fine- eventually I knew I would make it back. A few scratches here and there didn’t bother me at all. But! When I started to hear GRUNTS! From more than one direction. And SCRUFFLING of HOOVES on NEARBY GRASS! That’s when my heart stopped. It was a typical ‘fight or flight’ response. I stood so still. My heart pounding out of my chest. Whole body shaking. Mind racing. Thinking, “which direction should you run!? How the hell are you going to climb a prickly vine covered wall in HAVIANAS! You are going to die in Spain. By a wild boar. Find a weapon!” So I found two rocks- smaller than a football. Pretty lame huh!? My idea was, if they started to charge, I would smack it right in between its eyes- knock it out! Run to safety and live to tell the tale.

I stood there, transfixed. Listening to the grunts. Then I decided I had to move. I had to get out of there. I was so close to breaking down and yelling out. Maybe Doug would realise I had been gone an unusually long time and come to the rescue? But the humiliation! So I was on a mission. Find car! I walked and walked with those two rocks for what felt like forever. I was too scared to turn around towards the grunting but not really sure if I was going in the right direction. I have no concept of how long I was gone for, but eventually I found that damned carpark.

I walked up to the Kangoo and crawled in to lie down. I found Doug playing Quiz games on my ipod. My hero. After some calming down- realising I wasn’t going to die in Spain by a wild boar, I proceeded to tell Doug my tale. I couldn’t help but notice the smirk he was trying to hide on his face. It’s stupid I know. And you can all point and laugh at my craziness! But I have several sources confirming the presence of wild bores there. Whether you are special enough to get lost or not, that’s another issue all together. Just don’t let it be you. You’ve been warned.

Dre.
P.S. I am currently in Poland. Waiting for my third flight I've booked and paid for to get out of this country. Fingers crossed everybody!